Questioning my YAGM Service

I questioned if God truly called me to serve through YAGM when the youth group I started fell apart. At the beginning of my YAGM service, Dean Myaka wanted me to start and lead a youth group. I clearly remember at YAGM orientation hearing that we should never be in charge of groups of people for long-term projects. Yet, here I was, meeting the person who organized my placement, and he requests I lead a youth group. I love Bible studies and groups based on Christ’s love. As a camp counselor for two summers, I had experience leading Bible studies. At the time, I didn’t think of the request as contrary to YAGM guidelines; I thought of how to start overcoming the challenges of starting a youth group. Yet, I understand, from experience, why YAGM advises us against leading groups of people, due to challenges in moving past cultural differences, power dynamics, and the relatively short amount of time in the community.
We started meeting as a youth group weekly starting on Halloween. None of the participants (two sets of sisters who are cousins and a male neighbor) had ever participated in a small group Bible study. We took a one-month break around Christmas and had a retreat mid-January. Within twenty-four hours of the beginning of the retreat, four of the five people had reasons to be late, not to come, or came an hour late, although they all came. None of the parents could drive us to another place, so I held worship in the sugarcane field. I think they were moved by what I gave as the message. Yet, they talked more about celebrities than about God. Finally, when we were about halfway through the retreat and our hearts just didn’t seem focused on God, I felt like we should stop the retreat. I didn’t feel like the Spirit was moving through the activities, but more so I felt that I was fighting the energy of the youth. I asked if anyone wanted to continue. No one spoke up to continue, but my eldest host sister decided she was done and started talking with her friend who was hanging out a dozen feet away. The youth seemed a bit confused and we hung out outside for a while longer. That night, I tried to search for the answer to whether I had done the right thing or even if I was in the right place. I felt deflated, but God nudged me on.
The next day, so as to show the youth that I hadn’t given up on them, I gave them an empowering quote by Nelson Mandela and future youth group activity dates. I spent the afternoon at the other pair of sisters’ house. I talked with my host sisters about how they thought things went; they said the retreat was cool and that they would try to focus their energy more. Yet, future meetings were not to be. The other set of sisters moved to Durban (an hour and a half away) to go to school. One host sister switched to a more intense school. The other host sister started a job. The male continued his job. I knew that the youth had gotten something out of the youth group, but I also could feel it was time to let the youth group go. Letting the youth group end was difficult for me. I do not like to fail at leading group activities and I wonder what I could have done better to inspire them. Yet, I did my best and I tried to follow the Spirit. While the youth group was falling apart, God kept sending me signs of how I was positively impacting other people. When I tried to reconnect with God after the youth retreat, I felt an inner peace while worshiping alone in the sugarcane fields. Although we may fail by worldly standards, God continues to work through us in our brokenness, beyond our understanding. What we may set as our goals may not be God’s goals. The power of God’s love cannot be measured.